5 Ways to Navigate Your Relationship as a Highly Sensitive Person During COVID

Fun fact about me: I got married less than a year ago, so I’ve spent most of my first year of marriage in a pandemic. They already say that your first year of marriage is hard, but add on a pandemic and a small apartment in San Francisco and marriage gets real, fast. 

As a highly sensitive person having your own space is so important, so how do you navigate this when that physical space might not be available, your usual coping skills aren’t as accessible, and your partner’s needs are different than yours?

1. What’s the story you’re telling yourself?

Your partner has been sitting on the couch quietly all morning working on their computer. You make a funny joke, but they don’t even look up. Your mind starts to tell you that they are mad at you which is why they’re giving you the silent treatment. You aren’t quite sure what you did wrong, but whatever it is, it’s definitely your fault. Maybe it was because you forgot to clean the dishes? 

Brene Brown, is a researcher who in her book Rising Strong, talks about the story that we are telling ourselves and how it impacts our relationships. 

She asks us to tell our partner, “The story I’m telling myself is that you’re mad at me because you didn’t answer me earlier and also I forgot to clean the dishes.” 

This gives air to our internal dialogue and gives your partner the chance to not only hear the narrative that’s going on in your head, but to also tell you what is actually happening. In this case they might just say, “Oh, I’m actually running up against a work deadline and didn’t hear what you said earlier. I’m a little bit in my head today.” 

See how different the reality is from the story you were telling yourself? There can be a lot of relief in fact checking these stories, because more often than not our inner dialogue or narrative might not be correct. 

2. Ask for Space

Having time to rejuvenate as a highly sensitive person is so important - especially when the world is so overwhelming.  If possible, set up an agreement for moments when your partner can be out of the house - if only a little bit is possible, that’s ok. 

What if you both can’t leave the house? Put on headphones and make an agreement that you won’t talk for a certain amount of time. Remember that you might not feel 100% rejuvenated after this, but even a 10% difference is great. Asking for space doesn’t mean you’re frustrated with your partner, it just means you have needs that are deserving of being met. 

3. Pause

If you start to notice yourself getting worked up during a conversation with your partner, just pause and put a pin in the conversation. Approaching tough conversations when you’re already stressed isn’t going to allow for a productive conversation. So it’s ok to step away, give yourself some space, and come back to it when you’re ready. This is especially important for highly sensitive people, because we process things so deeply, so sometimes it can take more time to process information. Therefore, ready also doesn’t have to mean in an hour - it can mean the next day or even the next week. Honor your own process and timeline. 

4. Cope together, and cope apart

Your partner might cope by playing video games each night and you might cope by listening to music quietly. It’s ok if you both take care of yourself in different ways. If you notice yourself getting frustrated with the ways your partner is coping, ask yourself what’s coming up for you. Are you not feeling seen? Do you want more quality time with your partner? Are you feeling disconnected from your partner? If possible, are these things you can tell your partner?

It’s also important to find ways to connect together in order to cope with the overwhelm of our world. My partner and I like to go to the ocean to connect, or a quick walk to get a coffee - it doesn’t have to be a big to do, but just something that takes you out of your day-to-day routine. 

5. It’s all normal 

Whatever you are feeling is normal. This is really hard, so don’t forget to be gentle with yourself and your partner.